Keep Smiling Was How Mary Lived Her Life
Mary had the greatest sense of humor. When others would lament their lot in life, Mary would find some humor in something.
Often she would call and just ask to be told a story. Anything for her to escape the challenges of her life. Her stoic manner, soften by humor came, it always seemed, without pressure or a feeling of being contrived. Mary was “real” in every sense.
This is one of her posts on Facebook that I pass on.
Third Grade Report Card
Mary was an excellent student. She studied hard and was very smart.
Her talents showed well in art and writing. I still have many of her drawings from early childhood and will post over time.
Here is her 3rd grade report card.
Yes, Mary, you should be very proud of your efforts.
Mary 3rd Grade Report0001Note to Clara Jul 2018 2
One Year Ago Today Jul 25th
Pankaj, Rose, and Arun were major contributors to Mary’s life. Pankaj would find medical solutions that no one else could find.
Mary L. and I drove to meet up with Pankaj, Rose, and Arun in Dulles, Virginia. They can from Canada for a conference for autism. The first night we ate dinner together and Pankaj orchestrated a moment of silence in memory or Mary Boleyn.
We love you, Mary B.
One Year Ago Today Jul 25
Yesterday, one year ago on the 24th, Mary spoke her last words, closed her eyes and slipped out of her body. She was no longer in pain. No longer in pain from physical stresses. No longer suffering from the human bondage of responsibilities and to-do lists. No longer planning for what’s next or what still needs to be done. Mary was finally at peace with herself and the world.
What a wonderful completed plan she orchestrated. What a beautiful execution of her finale.
What an honor she entrusted to me to be her final guide. Did she know in her heart that only I could provide the last moments she envisioned in her plan? I feel content that I gave her everything she asked for and needed to make the transition most joyful.
I saw this jpg yesterday and thought it appropriate.
One Year Ago, Today Jul 24
Jul 24
A year ago today, Pankaj arrived sometime after 3 am. He flew from Buffalo through Charlotte, NC to Greensboro, NC. He then rented a car and drove two hours in the dark, on back country roads to get here. I think he stayed up with Mary while I got some sleep.
Mary woke up to recognize Pankaj with a smile. Mary’s mom called during the day and Mary just listened to her voice without responding. That was the last time she talked to her mom.
Mary L. thinks it was today that Mary opened her eyes when I gave her a syringe of morphine under her tongue to say; I love you. Thank you. Those were the last words Mary spoke.
Pankaj, Mary, and I sat around Mary and talked most of the day. Hospice came and bathed Mary. She responded very little other than the discomfort of being moved. I made sure we gave her meds before and after. She was resting peacefully throughout the day. I read her favorite book to her, Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Pankaj and I talked about our lives and times with Mary. Pankaj slept for a while and then Mary L. and I put our heads down about 9 pm. I awoke to Pankaj saying, it’s time. I rushed into the bedroom and Mary was taking a few breaths. I cradled her in my arms and just held her. She took her last breath and Pankaj pronounced her passing at 11:15 pm, July 24, 2017.
Mary was no longer in pain and suffering.
I sat quietly, holding Mary in my arms. I was speechless. After a moment, Pankaj started saying; Our Father, who art in Heaven. Mary L. and I chimed in as we all held hands and touched Mary.
We stayed for a few minutes and then began the laborious process of positioning Mary and talking to her.
One Year Ago – Pankaj Message Jul 22 & My Response
Clara;
This is an email from my best friend, Pankaj Chand. I hope you get to meet him, Clara. He is a find man. He helped your mother and I out when we most needed him to be there. Best friend, ever. He loved your mom very much. Many times, he would get her medical treatment when nobody else could. You only get a few of those in this lifetime.
Dearest James,
Take a few big breaths.
How are you holding together?
Is Mary comfortable or able to be for some periods of time?
What type of conversations are you having? I am sure it is both awkward and heart-wrenching.
You had always mentioned to me how hard it is to put one’s ego in one’s back pocket … What reasonable response can there be to fulfilling someone’s last wishes in life? Detachment from this world is perhaps one of the hardest things anyone of us can do.
I was up with Arun … who has finally gone to bed … I am a little fried as I drove home after my shift till this morning and was not “allowed” to sleep … Forgive me for not touching base in person today … I am both mentally and physically exhausted (as I know you are as well).
Hopefully, you can let me know if there are more opportune times to call (I know … anytime is a good time …). Is the early morning still OK? I don’t want to disrupt the little catnaps you need to avoid delirium.
With much Love for both you and Mary (x2),
Pankaj
My response:
You are correct. You and I are both exhausted. Mary is resting peacefully. Hospice was able to give her a sponge bath today which she tolerated fairly well. She fades in and out and I try to sleep but it is difficult because I listen for each breath.
Love to talk in the morning.
Love you!
James
Tell Me About Mary
In July 2013, Mary bought these prints. I know because she left me the email with the attachments of the prints. Where the Wilds Things Are was a book we shared many, many times. I would read it and be animated when reciting, and they rolled their terrible eyes, and mashed their terrible teeth, and showed their terrible claws. Mary would laugh and laugh. She always liked to smile. We both liked this saying that I used often to her even as an adult.
I know she got these for Clara to express her love for her, as she did in so many ways. I am so proud of her.
One Year Later Jul 19 2018
Jul 19
I have thought a lot about what went through Mary B’s mind before she came to Windy Heron. The week before she came, did she say goodbye to people, Bill, Clara, her mom? Did she have any idea that she was so close to making the transition?
The third day she was here, she suddenly asked me. Do you know that feeling that hits you after you have had a car accident and your adrenalin stops when you get home and you are totally exhausted and your guards are all down? I said that I did know that feeling, having had several serious car accidents in my life. She said, that’s how I feel here today. That’s all she said.
The next day we were sitting quietly, when Mary B started to cry. I asked her what was going on, could she tell me? She said, I feel it in my gut that I am never going to leave here. I held her tight and we cuddled. I tried not to cry and just be there for her and her needs. How hard was that?
One of her questions was; Are you disappointed in me? I asked, in what way? She said in terms of how I have dealt with my CF? I immediately hugged her and told her how proud I was of her and how she had grown up knowing she had CF and all the great things she did with her life and all she had done with Clara. I told her I didn’t think I could have done as well as she had, and she was an example to so many other people and her friends for her strength and laughter and joy for life.
Mary B sayings:
If you can’t breathe, nothing else much matters.
Everybody is just doing the best they can.