Category: Legacy

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One Year Ago – Pankaj Message Jul 22 & My Response

 

Clara;

This is an email from my best friend, Pankaj Chand. I hope you get to meet him, Clara. He is a find man. He helped your mother and I out when we most needed him to be there. Best friend, ever. He loved your mom very much. Many times, he would get her medical treatment when nobody else could. You only get a few of those in this lifetime.

Dearest James,

Take a few big breaths.

How are you holding together?

Is Mary comfortable or able to be for some periods of time?

What type of conversations are you having?  I am sure it is both awkward and heart-wrenching.

You had always mentioned to me how hard it is to put one’s ego in one’s back pocket … What reasonable response can there be to fulfilling someone’s last wishes in life?  Detachment from this world is perhaps one of the hardest things anyone of us can do.

I was up with Arun … who has finally gone to bed … I am a little fried as I drove home after my shift till this morning and was not “allowed” to sleep … Forgive me for not touching base in person today … I am both mentally and physically exhausted (as I know you are as well).

Hopefully, you can let me know if there are more opportune times to call (I know … anytime is a good time …). Is the early morning still OK?  I don’t want to disrupt the little catnaps you need to avoid delirium.

With much Love for both you and Mary (x2),
Pankaj

My response:

You are correct. You and I are both exhausted. Mary is resting peacefully. Hospice was able to give her a sponge bath today which she tolerated fairly well. She fades in and out and I try to sleep but it is difficult because I listen for each breath.
Love to talk in the morning.
Love you!
James
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One Year Later Jul 19 2018

Jul 19

I have thought a lot about what went through Mary B’s mind before she came to Windy Heron. The week before she came, did she say goodbye to people, Bill, Clara, her mom? Did she have any idea that she was so close to making the transition?

The third day she was here, she suddenly asked me. Do you know that feeling that hits you after you have had a car accident and your adrenalin stops when you get home and you are totally exhausted and your guards are all down? I said that I did know that feeling, having had several serious car accidents in my life. She said, that’s how I feel here today. That’s all she said.

The next day we were sitting quietly, when Mary B started to cry. I asked her what was going on, could she tell me? She said, I feel it in my gut that I am never going to leave here. I held her tight and we cuddled. I tried not to cry and just be there for her and her needs. How hard was that?

One of her questions was; Are you disappointed in me? I asked, in what way? She said in terms of how I have dealt with my CF? I immediately hugged her and told her how proud I was of her and how she had grown up knowing she had CF and all the great things she did with her life and all she had done with Clara. I told her I didn’t think I could have done as well as she had, and she was an example to so many other people and her friends for her strength and laughter and joy for life.

 

Mary B sayings:

If you can’t breathe, nothing else much matters.

Everybody is just doing the best they can.

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One Year Ago Today Jul 17

Jul 17

A year ago, today, Mary and I watched TV but mostly talked, or I talked, and she listened. She told me about the book she wanted to have read at her funeral, Oh, the Places You’ll Go, by Dr. Seuss. I told her I would get it and read it to her. She thought I would order it and it would be delivered. I immediately bought in on Kindle and read it to her. I read that book to her many, many times. Most of the time, she was sleeping but I know she heard my voice. It reminded me of reading to her as a young child. I read to her every night before she went to sleep.

I also read every night to Clara when she would come to visit overnight. Clara loved to be read to.

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July 17 2018 One Year Later

One year ago, today, Mary M. went to work, and I stayed close to Mary B. Mary got very irritated when she could not find her O2 calibrator. We looked through all her luggage and she got more frightened that she had forgotten it. I went to Walmart to get a replacement and raced back to the house. Fortunately, I bought the same kind that she had in Canada. Whew! Crisis averted.

Mary and I spent time just talking, watching movies. I think we watched Labyrinth with David Bowie that day. I reminded her of the video of her watching the movie at St. David St in Elora with her little rocking chair.

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First Anniversary of Mary’s Passing

It is coming up to the first anniversary of Mary’s passing with me at the Windy Heron House. Although the memories from a year ago leave a hollow feeling in my stomach, I want to honor Mary’s wishes for her transition to continue to be a celebration of her life.

Prior to her arriving July 16, 2017, we had talked about the site I had set up for her called maryboleyn.commemoratemylife.me. During the first couple of days, I worked on it while lying with my laptop beside her in the big bed so we could talk about so many things.

Mary was very excited about the creation of maryboleyn.commemoratemylife.me. She was able to see the opening page for that website. She was really excited about having a place where Clara could discover things about her mom sometime in the future so that she wouldn’t be forgotten. She loved that I used the picture of her and Clara’s hands together as the front page. 

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Dedicated to the strongest woman I have known!

 

A tribute to Mary. When you can’t breathe, nothing else much matters. 

 

This is the week before Mary came to visit arriving July 16th, 2017. I imagine what she must have been thinking and planning a week before traveling to see me. We had spent time on the phone and Skype the weekend before. I had a great conversation with Clara.

I have wondered, did Mary know at that time that this would be where she would make the transition from this life? Did she think about all the things you had to do before leaving? Did she have things left on her to-do list when she got back?

It was only eight days from the time she arrived until she was gone, in my arms. I am so honored.

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Mary’s Mother’s Day 2018

It was a year ago that I reached out to Mary to let her know I was in her corner just prior to Mother’s Day. It was the first Mother’s Day following Clara being adopted and I knew she would have some emotion around it. That email changed both our lives. She immediately wrote back to me.

May 3, 2017

Hi Sweetie;

I was just thinking with all that is going on this month, you might like to know that someone is in your corner.
Love;
DAD
Thanks Dad. This email came at just the right time.

I would like to take a moment to say sorry to you. I have being doing a lot of reading (I’m currently reading a great book called Rising Strong) and in it it talks about how we have expectations for other people and then resent them for not living up to them and then dealing with the lose of those unmet expectations. I’ve started to learn that expectations are resentments waiting to happen.
I’m sorry that I had expectations for you as a dad that I didn’t share with you, and I’m sorry that I got mad and blamed you for not living up to those expectations.
I know now that you were doing the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
I hope this email doesn’t come too late for us to try to rebuild our relationship.
I love you and am grateful to have you in my life, as you are.
Please forgive the time it took for me to learn these lessons for myself.
Love
May 2018
I wanted this Mother’s Day to be special.  Mary spent her last eight days with me at Hyco Lake with my best friend, Mary Mount. Daughter Mary really enjoyed the lake view.
I took a grapefruit half and put in a candle, surrounded by the flowers that were blooming when she was here. I included a Maple Leaf for Canada and a smidgen of her ashes and set it afloat at dusk with the candle lit. My friend Mary and I watched and played Ode to Joy on my phone until they drifted out of site. It took hours and was very heartwarming.
I also included a candlelight for my Mom and Mary Mount’s Mom. I think I will make it a tradition.

 

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Playing Songs for Mary

Jan 8

I picked up my guitar this morning which I have not played in several months now. Although it sits next to my bed, I have not felt the (something, I can’t name) for some time to pick it up and play. When I did begin to play, my mind went to playing music with you, Mary.

When you were around four, I was living in Guelph in a bachelor’s pad. I showed you a picture during the last days you were with me before you transitioned from this life. We talked about it and the song I made up to sing to you while you were taking a bath and wanted me to sing a song to you. I would start out by singing, Mary, my special daughter. You would chime in with “What?” after I would sing Mary like I was calling you and you were answering me with what. We both thought that was very funny each time we did it and remembered it. It was a moment between Dad and Mary that I will always remember.

This is one of your TaDa poses that you became so famous for.

Love you forever to the moon and back!